i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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