So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
