Screwed.edu
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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