Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
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