my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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