the new term for farting is butt boxing.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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