dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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