STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
