You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
