How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
