You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
A+ Viking dick
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
