He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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