I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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