i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
he told me I talked like a deaf person
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
