dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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