her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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