I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
