I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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