So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
