He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
