Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
