we have officially lost it.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
