i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
