She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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