remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
