All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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