went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
