Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
