She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
