I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
