don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
