I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
