That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
