Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
