I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
