awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
