my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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