Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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