Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
