Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
