All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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