I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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