never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
