woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Found the puke drawer
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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