I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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