My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
