nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
