Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize