I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
