Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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