He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
