I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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