I accidentally had phone sex last night
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
