new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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