had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
