This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize