I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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