I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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