Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
