I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Randomize
