If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
