I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
