Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
