she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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