Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
