Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
