I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
