Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
