You made me cry and you don't even care
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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