I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just invented taco cereal.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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