Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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