yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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