were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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