We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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